Flirting with the King's Consort
by Fidelis Scriptor
Summary: Everybody knows who Bilbo Baggins is...right? Consort of King Thorin, member of the Company? (aka not someone to try to take to bed?) Apparently not. Enter Fari, a distant cousin of Dori who has his eyes set on Bilbo. Funny fluffy, gooey stuff. Thilbo w/a dash of Dwori. AU everybody lives. Married Thilbo.


**Author's Note:** So since I've been in Austria, I've had so many good ideas and this is one of the one shots that has come to be in this mountainous holy land of writer's-block-remover. On with the show!

* * *

After Erebor had been rebuilt, many of the Company's family returned to the Lonely Mountain. One of them was the Ri brothers' cousin, Fari. Quite the adventurous dwarf, he was several decades older than Ori and was known for his temper and wild dwarven ways.

He was scoping out the marketplace in Dale when he saw a head of honey brown curls that quickly held his interest. He didn't have the time or patience to really consider his surroundings when he strutted over to the being that was haggling over potatoes.

"I haven't seen a fairer maiden or lad from Ered Luin to the Iron Hills. Let me get a sweet thing like you a pint at the Blue Eyes Inn over yonder," Fari said smoothly. _This is quite a small creature. Hope it's not a stinkin' elf. Too cute._

"I beg your pardon?" said the lad that turned to stare at him, incredulous. He had the largest green eyes that Fari had seen and so he puffed himself up even more. He wanted to take this green eyed angel and do things to him that would make even **_Nori_** blush.

"I know you lot here in Erebor like to be coy, but there's no need for that. Come on and we'll go have a nice tussle in the bed."

The small creature began to sputter and turn as red as the tomatoes he was holding. Bilbo looked around to each side for the Ori and Dis, who had accompanied him out to Dale's market to find some ingredients for tonight's dinner. He hadn't been expecting the brown-haired dwarf that came up behind him. "A nice what? I will have you know that I am a respectable hobbit and will not have a nice _anything_ with you! Good day sir!"

With that, Bilbo turned and walked away from Fari, who was fuming with humiliating and anger. _How dare that hobbit -whatever that is- reject him! _"Oi! You can't just walk away from me like that!"

_Of all the most dimwitted- _"I am perfectly capable of walking away from whoever I chose. I repeat. Good. Day. Sir."

Rolling his eyes at the cursing dwarf, Bilbo tried to search the crowd for Dis and Ori. He didn't see them, but he did see Lord Bard discussing matters with Gloin. Sighing with relief, Bilbo caught their attention and waved at them.

Fari reached over and put his hand on the halfling's shoulder. "You can't honestly be thinkin' that you'd have a bad time in bed with me!"

Glaring at the overconfident dwarf, Bilbo tried to not be rude. Yet this dwarf was insinuating that he wanted to...well, have _intimate_ _relations_ with him! _The__ absolute nerve! Ooh, if Thorin was here to see this, he'd go **mad with rage**! _It was a known fact to all the dwarves of Erebor that their king was very protective of his hobbit consort. He had been known to slug a few Longbeards who had been caught sending looks to the hobbit.

Which was why Bilbo couldn't understand the nerve of the chestnut-haired dwarf. He was obviously being serious, and yet that meant he probably had a death wish. Trying to lure the Consort to bed was a quick way to be sent to the dungeons. _Unless he doesn't know I'm the Consort..._

"Do you have any idea who I am?" he asked out of curiosity.

"Ye said it yerself. A respectable hobbit, whatever that is," Fari said.

If he was just a tiny bit more Took Bilbo would have smacked his forehead. But he had just enough Baggins in him to only shake his head and turn away. He still had several things to buy before heading back to the mountain. Up ahead, Bard and Gloin were watching the pair with confusion and growing concern.

* * *

"Do you know who that dwarf haggling Bilbo is?" Bard asked. He had just come out of a meeting with Gloin and a few other Erebor councilmen and he was baffled as to why the Royal Consort was left as unprotected as if he was of no importance. _Thorin will be livid when he discovers this, especially this unknown dwarf following him around._

"He looks like Fari, a cousin of the Ri brothers. Haven't seen him in these parts for quite some time. Completely proven to be a flatterer. He'd rut with a rock if he could!" Gloin harrumphed. He had heard nasty rumors that Fari had tried to seduce Lady Dis back in the Blue Mountains, earning himself nothing more than a broken jaw and bruised ego.

"Then why is he talking to the Royal Consort? Don't think Thorin would be too happy to hear that his hobbit's being coerced to bed right in front of us," Bard said.

At that, Gloin turned bright red. "No cheating, elf-shagging, lying dwarf like that is going to get his hands anywhere on the Consort! Especially not our hobbit! Come on!"

* * *

"So yer telling me that yer the Royal Consort?" Fari said disbelievingly.

"For the fifth time, yes! And I'm here in the market searching for a few things for tonight's feast," Bilbo said patiently.

"With the Head Scribe and the Royal Princess? How stupid do you think I am?" Fari demanded, crossing his arms. _This little thing is trying to distract me from my goal and to mention that blasted princess-bah!_

"Master Fari, I am only going to repeat myself one last time. I am not going to go anywhere with you, much less to bed with you. I am an honorable hobbit and husband," Bilbo stated firmly, passing a few coins to the nervous looking vendor. He placed the fabric in the basket with his other purchases and gave the vendor a reassuring smile. The last thing he needed was someone sending word to Thorin that he was being bothered. He could certainly handle himself in this bothersome matter! _Where are Dis and Ori?_

Fari swung his arm around Bilbo's shoulders, startling the hobbit. He ignored his efforts to get loose and said, "I think you need a good ale, Hobbit. And I just happen to know a good inn-"

Bilbo wrestled out from under Fari's arm and put his hands on his hips. "I am not going anywhere with you! Now leave me alone before I-I kick you!" _Of all the days to leave Sting back at the mountain..._

_"_Just have a little fun. Especially with me-" Fari whispered, cornering Bilbo against a wall of one of the shops. He put his hands beside Bilbo's face so he couldn't move, and all the poor hobbit could do was push against his dwarf chest with all his hobbit might.

* * *

Gloin and Bard momentarily lost sight of Bilbo and Fari in the crowd. They did see Ori and Dis, however and caught up with them to inform them of what they saw.

Ori shook his head. "Dori told Fari that his wolfish ways were going to get him in trouble. I didn't think he'd ever go after Bilbo though!"

"He'd be after you, Ori, if ye weren't with Dwalin," Gloin said viciously. He didn't like this Fari and he knew that his King wouldn't want the slimy dwarf anywhere near his consort.

"Where did you last see Bilbo?" Dis pressed, gripping the sword in her hand tightly. They had to find the halfling before something happened to him.

"Over by the fabric shop."

As they headed over there, the fabric vendor came up to them. "I just saw the consort being manhandled by some dwarf! I was just about to go get the guards when I saw you."

"Which way?" Dis asked angrily.

"That way, your Majesty. And I'd hurry too. That dwarf was much too forceful in the way he moved to be meaning to do anything nice to our Consort," the vendor warned before heading back to her shop.

"I'm going to go get some guards," Bard said. "Ori, head back to the castle and get Dwalin. We need him and the guards to search around Dale for Bilbo. I have a feeling this Fari is going to try to do more than just seduce the consort."

"Gloin, come with me," Dis ordered. "We have to get to Bilbo before it's too late."

* * *

"Stop it! Get your dwarf self off me!" Bilbo yelled. He struggled with all the force he possibly could against Fari, but the dwarf was too strong for him. He reached down and tried to kiss the halfling, only to be spurned by Bilbo turning his face either direction. Growing annoyed, the dwarf yanked Bilbo further down the streets.

"If you want it rough, we'll have to get a room at the inn," Fari said.

At that, Bilbo squeaked with fright and struggled even harder against the dwarf. He was getting tired and he wasn't strong enough to fight Fari's advances. Tears well up in his eyes; what would Thorin think of this? The dwarf king would be furious and upset with him. Would he be mad enough to throw Bilbo out of Erebor, to banish him from the kingdom he had grown to love?

"Get off the hobbit!"

"Oi!" Fari shouted as he was grabbed by the scruff of the neck and thrown off of Bilbo into a vendor's stand. The poor hobbit slid down to the floor and began clutching his knees, gasping for air. Gloin cracked his knuckles as he lifted Fari off the floor. Dis ran to Bilbo, that latter of who wrapped her arms protectively around him, eyes flashing with anger and disbelief.

"Ye tried to defile the Consort! Just you wait until King Thorin gets his hands on you!" Gloin roared.

"He's actually the Consort?" Fari cried out.

"Why is this so difficult to understand?" Bilbo shouted reproachfully.

"Take him to the mountain! Thorin's going to have a heart attack," Dis muttered.

* * *

When Ori came bursting into the throne room, Thorin was only slightly concerned. When he ran to Dwalin, his concerned raised slightly more. And then he remembered that Ori was suppose to be in Dale with Bilbo and Dis.

"Dwalin! I need you to go to Dale now! It's important!" Ori begged Dwalin, tugging his sleeve to make him follow him.

"Ori? Why?" The warrior had never felt more confused or concerned.

"What's going on?" Thorin demanded.

Hesitating slightly, Ori said, "It's hard to explain, your Majesty."

"Try."

* * *

Bilbo was slightly shaken from the encounter with Fari, but after a while he was just angry. Did people really not believe that he was married to Thorin?

"What's going through your mind?" Dis asked, though she had a good idea as to what he was thinking from the thunderous look on his face.

"It's annoying that people don't believe I'm married to Thorin. I mean really now! Just _how_ many hobbits are there are here that could be married to him?"

Dis laughed and sped up her pony. Bilbo led Myrtle behind her. On all sides of them were Dwalin's top guards, all who seemed armed to fight an orc army -_the irony_\- and would growl at any other traveler that came too close to the hobbit.

"Come on. By now, Thorin probably knows and is going to be angrier than Gandalf when my sons stole his hat."

"Oh, that makes me feel much better, Lady Dis, thank you," Bilbo griped. He did have to admit that he didn't think Gandalf could turn that color red and it had been quite a memorable day.

As they entered the palace and handed the ponies to the stable-hands, Bilbo turned as he heard loud arguing heading in their directions. He barely had time to wave at Thorin before he was pulled tightly against the dwarf king's chest. He squeaked as Thorin kissed him roughly before settling into the kiss. Several moments and few awkward coughs later, the dwarf king and consort came up for air.

"Well, hello to you too. If that's how you're going to greet me from now on, you're going to scar quite a few advisers."

"Did he hurt you? Anywhere? Did he try anything? Why weren't you with Dis and Ori? Did he drag you away from them? Are you listening to me?" Thorin questioned. He gave the hobbit a once over, not missing the way Bilbo winced when he brushed the top of his arms and his eyes darkened.

"Thorin-" Bilbo began, cut off by another kiss.

"Oin! Take Bilbo to our room and check him out," Thorin shouted over his shoulder. He ignored the hobbit's protests and motioned for Dwalin, and several other guards to follow Oin and the consort.

"I do not need a guard to go to my own rooms! Thorin, this is ridiculous!"

The consort was ignored as he was frog-marched down the hall. Thorin stayed behind him until he began to head down the hallway toward the dungeons. He was stopped by a hand grabbing his sleeve. Turning, he stared into Bilbo's pleading eyes. He cupped his husband's face and kissed him softly. When Bilbo moved to say something else, he hushed him with another kiss and said, "I will not have anyone harm you in anyway. I shall cut off my beard before that happens."

"It's not like he knew who I was, Thorin. He didn't even know what a hobbit was! Let alone that I was the Consort."

"That does not excuse his advances. Go and have Oin check you. I will not make a decision until you are with me if you wish," Thorin said grudgingly. He knew it was the right thing to say by the smile Bilbo gave him. His hobbit wouldn't hurt a fly if he could. How he stood up to Azog still stupefies the dwarf king, though he knows better than to admit it.

But Bilbo wasn't dumb enough to believe his king would not have already come up with a punishment from the minute he heard about what happened. Bilbo was sure Thorin was willing to cut off someone's tongue if they even touched a _hair_ on Bilbo's head. "Yes, of course. But I _insist _that you come with me Thorin. I don't trust you to not cut off the dwarf's ear or something if I leave you alone with him."

"Like that painter you like? If you think that's a fitting-"

"Thorin." Bilbo gave him a look that had the dwarf king reluctantly surrendering to his hobbit. _Was there anything he wasn't willing to give Bilbo?_ _Not when he gives you those beautiful eyes._

"Fine, Ghivashel. I will go speak with Balin about a suitable punishment for the traitorous scum after I go with you. But Oin shall check you."

"Now it sounds like one of your meetings with Thrandruil," Bilbo teased.

Thorin smiled unexpectedly and kissed his husband again before motioning for the guards to return to their stations The entire way to Oin's, the dwarf king kept a possessive arm around his hobbit, glaring at anyone who dared look at his halfling. Ignoring his irrational king, Bilbo tried to focus on the dwarves that were staring and whispering about him.

Once Oin had checked Bilbo and given him some herbs for his headache and an ointment for his bruises, Thorin was beyond fuming. It took several soothing and finally down right shouting words for Bilbo to make sure that Thorin wasn't going to execute Fari the instant he saw him. Even then, the constant twitch of the king's eye told the halfling that Fari wasn't getting out of the kingdom unharmed.

"I'm not saying he doesn't deserve to get punished for his actions, but _really, _Thorin, is execution necessary? Can't you just-"

"Why not just cut off his hand uncle?" Fili piped in.

"Or one of his legs!" Kili added.

"There will be no maiming, boys!" _Don't give your uncle any more ideas. Not that he needs them anyway. Devious, plotting dwarf. _

"Ghivashel, he deserves to be punished. I promised you I shall not have his head, but I will at least have _something_!"

"I'm not saying you won't! But-"

"I shall have his beard."

The infirmary grew silent at that. Bilbo's eyes widened at Thorin's words. Ever since he had met up with the dwarves, he knew the importance of beards. "Thorin, you said you were going to talk to Balin first!"

"Yes, I shall, my love, but that will be one of the things I will surely take."

Bilbo resisted the urge to slap his forehead, propriety aside. _Dwarves! _At least Thorin didn't want to cut off Fari's hand or anything.

"What about his pinkie toe?" Kili offered.

Bilbo didn't resist the urge to throw his pillow at the dwarf.


End file.
